October 5, 2013

Random Thoughts: Day 5 {An FMF do-over}



I wrote on the presented word and hit publish for the world to read. I do this almost every week. I was a ninja this particular day, and nabbed the number one spot on the link up. I'd been there before, and it always gave a moment of pride. But pride over what, I'm not sure. What's the big deal with being number one, anyway? 

As I read all around the brave and beautiful that came after me on the page, I was overcome by a feeling of failure. The words that painted pictures and told stories...they made me feel like a Veda Sultenfuss in the adult writing class. But my piece was no Weeping Willow. 

Insecurity and inadequacy washed over me and I suddenly wished that I could do it all over again. The rules say no extreme editing, but they don't say no do-overs, do they? 

On this Thursday night, I felt the attack of the father of lies as he whispered in my ear that I don't belong. I laid in bed with tears in my eyes feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I ever thought that I could call myself a writer, or run with this crowd of talent. 

Who do you think you are? 

You don't belong. Not here. 

They're better than you. You'll never match up. 

You are not a writer. 

It hit me out of no where. Seemingly random. And isn't that how the evil one always attacks? Guerrilla warfare that you never see coming. Random thoughts that bombard your mind and soul. 

The next day, I opened my eyes to see that morning had broken and as I breathed in the new mercies of the day, I cried out for words. Words that speak truth and for the freedom to speak them. And as my feet hit the floor, I hoped that the one whispering lies got scared, because I chose not to listen any longer. 

I chose not to believe what he says about me. I chose to cling to my Jesus. I chose to hear the voice of my Creator, and He says,  
 "You are as I made you. You speak the words I gave you. And when your fingers dance on that keyboard, you are a writer."

2 comments:

  1. So Much Amen! You ARE... and you DO belong! This (not so) little gathering of Awesome would not be the same without you! <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Second chances are my first favorite kind of chance. {Double dare you to name the episode that came from} You are an amazing writer with much to say and I'll read every word friend. Every word.

    ReplyDelete

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